The peppy instrumental music in the background made the perfect
atmosphere to begin our breakfast cleanup. I couldn't help but move
with the beat. The five of us were dancing a little jig while laughing at
one another's silly dance move or funky little kick that was trying to
move to the beat of the music. It made after breakfast cleanup a
breeze. As the day went on, I didn’t think much of that morning--just
busied myself with the tasks for the day. That evening I found myself alone
making dinner, dancing the same jig I was dancing with my little ones
earlier. It felt so good to move freely. My arms were free to
move and flail about, feet were shaking, twirling and a
tapping, and my head was nodding to each beat of
the music. I didn’t worry about throwing myself into a
migraine, or about feeling every bone and muscle hurt, or feel a pressure
through my neck and skull that just a few months ago never went
away. I just moved with the music laughing at my own made up
moves flapping around the kitchen making dinner. It felt good to be
free again. Free of constant restriction from the pain that was in
my body not too long ago. When I actually realized what was
happening and how I was moving freely without pain or thinking about
causing pain, I couldn't help but become overwhelmed with
emotions. They swelled into a
stream of joyful tears. I allowed them to flow freely
and welcomed them realizing I was at the beginning of my
new life of healing. I was praising Jesus with tears running down my
face knowing He was the ultimate healer and has chosen to use our family in a
different way now.
Just three short months ago I had accepted our "new" way of living. We learned how to live with a mama that had Lupus. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that causes the immune system to see the body's own healthy tissues and cells as foreign, therefore, attacks those good tissues which causes pain, inflammation, and damage throughout the body. I had the tiniest spark of hope that one day I would be better, but as the months went on the pain grew more intense and the symptoms lasted longer. It slowly and eventually drained me of all my energy. I spent most of my days trying to figure out how to just manage getting out of bed to take care of all the household duties a mama is called to care for. I had to finally accept a new lifestyle. Lupus was just another way to live-another way I never imagined I would be living--but we somehow, through God’s grace, figured out how to live with Lupus.
Since I am not sure who read my last post “Lupus….a
blessing?” I will recap some of what I went through. Before I
was diagnosed I knew something was terribly wrong. I loved to snuggle on
the couch, all eyes buried in the same book, one in my lap and three other
little heads surrounding me trying to see the pictures while I read
aloud. Every so often I would find myself not able to connect the words
on the page to the words I would speak, fumbling to pronounce simple
words. This startled me, yet I somehow was able to reason
it away in my own thinking. That first year of being overseas
the migraines started to last longer. They would last anywhere from three
days to three weeks. We thought it was the fact that my husband had been gone
the year before on his 365 and then two weeks from his return we moved
overseas. The stress of a military lifestyle was beginning to take its
toll on my health and that was the reason for the migraine
increase. I had times of confusion and not being able to make
good judgment decisions for no apparent reason, except hormones.
Every month I felt like a train ran over me so I learned to clear my schedule
because the pain was so intense throughout my body and my energy level was to
an extreme low I couldn’t even manage taking care of the home. There were
times my body ached so bad that to just get out of bed was a chore in itself.
I was scared because I saw myself not being able to care for my family, my mind
was faltering, my decisions were not sound, and my energy was so low
that just getting up to shower zapped all of it. I remember those
first weeks when I knew something was seriously wrong. I had
a three week migraine and it hurt to have the sheets touch my body while
lying in bed. My hips felt bruised from being in bed so long and every
bone in my body ached. I knew at that moment something was seriously
wrong.
When I finally dragged myself to the doctor, knowing
that it wasn’t "just" another migraine or that I had the flu again, I was thankful for God’s sovereign care
with the doctor I was to see. The Lord gave him a compassionate heart and
through God’s mercies we got a correct diagnosis. Once diagnosed with
Lupus we were relieved and ready to start treatment to "get
better." I went into the protocol of treatments for
Lupus patients and was encouraged to be told that these medicines
helped most Lupus patients to go into remission. Little
did I know, the Lord had much more refining for us before I was to find relief.
I meditated on James 1:2-4 “ Count it all joy, my brothers, when
you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the
testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let
steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing.” Remembering that trials
produce steadfastness and God does not want us lacking anything (spiritually
anything) helped me to keep the pain and difficulties into perspective. Philippians
1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will
bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Your
prayers were answered and I was thankful the Lord was gracious as he brought
many encouragers along the way to remind me of His truths and many hands
that were willing to serve by bringing us dinner and watching the
children. The church were His hands and feet faithfully loving us
through His Spirit sharing our burdens with us. There were times that I did fall into self-pity but
just as quick as falling into self-pity the Lord drew near to me and reminded
me of His loving kindness through the people around me. I knew in
my heart He had a plan.
The weeks went by, then months, I was told it would take time
for the medicine to start working so I waited...and waited...and waited.
I had few glimpses of hope when a week would go by and I could get out of bed
without a heaviness run through my body. But as the weeks went
on the months got worse. I was given more meds and more pain meds to wait
and see if Lupus would go back into remission. The meds were causing
such awful side effects and Lupus symptoms were only getting worse. I saw how
it was taking over my body. I was beginning to lose relationships-not
with just friends-but with family. The side effects of the
medications were mentally exhausting. I would go from one day to the
next feeling sick with pressure in my head and body and literally so irritable.
I couldn't stand myself and couldn’t imagine how my family could stand
me. It was not easy for any of us and daily we were praying for our
own hearts to trust in the plan that the Lord had for us. I knew we
were being transformed into the image of Christ and for that to happen would
mean trials of every kind, yet I was constantly battling the emotions
of yelling at my kids for not doing what they were supposed to
be doing, I was constantly battling an anxious heart, and a heaviness in
my body. I had to keep reminding myself of His character and that He had
a plan and it was a good plan. Now in hindsight I see much of the
emotional strain was due to the medications and the imbalance due to the Lupus
symptoms. I still never figured out how to handle the side effects of the
medications that caused such emotions and the heart of knowing God had a plan
and His plan was perfect. I do know we grew little by little in grace and
our dependence on Christ and I do know that it was exactly where Christ wanted
us.
…So to be making dinner and dancing around the table was not
common in my house. I didn't realize until that very evening how
emotionally drained I was from being chronically ill. So the tears
fell and I had begun the process of healing. The Lord has taken such good
care of us during these trying times and I do know His mercies are
abundant. I am thankful to have my health back and to share what the Lord
has brought along our path to help with the healing process.
I would have to say that the most important part of my healing was
the fact that we were drawn into a deeper understanding of how abundantly
sinful we are and how amazingly wonderful the grace of God is. We are most
satisfied in Him and I am learning that one baby step at a time. Every
day I tried to grab a hold of my health, or my husband, or my children, only to
have them fail me again and again. Christ was my only hope of security,
knowing His love and goodness and faithfulness is what I needed to grab onto in
order to sense the peace and security I longed to have. I struggled to
love my husband and children while chronically ill and desperately longed to love
them the way my idealistic mind dreamed, but I had to let go of my unrealistic
ideals and trust that Christ would love them the way He chose to show them love
whether that was through me or somebody else. I never knew my heart was
so secure in the stuff I could see, feel, and do until it was all gone. The
little bubble I put myself in became a world of chaos and I finally had to
admit I didn’t have the answers. I couldn’t grab onto my
talents to try and "do" better because I couldn’t even use them due to my health failing me. My
family was not meeting my HIGH expectations of who I thought they should
become, which made me feel even more like a failure as a sick mother lying in
bed not able to teach and train her children like she dreamed she would be able
to. I was lonely because I couldn’t go hang out with friends and even
when I did I wasn’t myself because my low energy and pain made it difficult to
converse with others. No, I did not have all the answers anymore. I
was humbled and realized how much my identity rested in what I could do, who my
kids were becoming, and even the fact that I could keep a clean house and was
fairly organized was part of my identity crisis. This trial has truly
showed me my heart and the crisis I was in. The crisis of pride and
thinking your identity is in Christ until it is all wiped from you, then
realizing how very far away you really were. The character of God, His
sovereignty, His love, His goodness, His faithfulness is within reach because
of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. I now understand that my life
is not my own but it belongs to Christ. I am still learning to take me out of
the picture and replace it with Him, but that’s a process that we will never
stop learning, and that is where my ultimate joy will be found. ---The
joy of the Lord is seeking and resting in Christ’s identity something I don’t
have to earn but has freely been given to me. ---
Another part of my healing process has been learning how important the food we put into our bodies will determine how we feel. I am learning how to eat, cook, and enjoy wholesome raw fermented foods and how necessary a well- balanced alkaline diet is for keeping my body in balance. I do not enjoy cooking, so over the past two years I have learned how to enjoy cooking with my kiddos beside me. I have followed some amazing blogs, bought raw foods cookbooks, and tried the best I could to heal my body through my gut. I didn’t find much relief while eating this diet for a year but had hope that eventually my body would balance itself out and start to heal. Just after my last post “Lupus…a Blessing?” a sweet friend shared with me a vitamin regimen they were using that seemed to help them feel better. The minute I read her note, I quickly looked up the website and discussed it with my husband. We decided to buy the products and curiously wondered if this would be the miracle we were looking for. The ideas behind the products were to cleanse my system, balance it, and build healthier cells. I was at a desperate point, my white blood count was critically low and getting lower every week to the point of needing to draw blood weekly. I was taking many pain pills daily just to try and manage the household, and I was taking long naps daily to be able to make it through dinner. We decided to take the vitamins and see what would happen. After two weeks of this vitamin regimen my white blood count jumped about 2700 levels higher and I started feeling better. We were astounded. After a month of being on them I decided to go off my other meds because I was feeling good and wanted to get my body back to normal. We were so excited to see and feel a difference. These vitamins were helping my body heal itself. Just 2 months of being on the vitamins I went off all Lupus meds and pain meds. I now, no longer have joint pain, muscle fatigue, body aches, and I wake up refreshed and ready for the day almost every day. I can not only walk up our three story house without needing to stop in between levels to let the shooting pains move through my body before I attempt the next level, but I can actually run three miles and run hard without throwing myself into a migraine, without knee pain and without muscle fatigue. I still have migraines, but much much less frequent and they don’t last as long. I am reminded monthly that I still have Lupus and some healing to go through, I see it as my personal reminder from the Lord to look to Him for strength and security, but with a wholefoods diet and really good vitamin regimen I am on my way to feeling healthy again. I am so excited and know that God has used these vitamins to help my body heal itself. I don't know what the Lord has for our future but for now we are enjoying the freedoms that health gives you.
If you are struggling with your health please know God has not left you. His plan is perfect. Trust in His goodness, faithfulness, and see His mercies every day. I am praying for those of you that are in physical pain to be spiritually revived and see God’s hand through the struggle you are in. You belong to a God who will never leave you or forsake you, a God who is living and powerful, a God who is loving you by changing you so you can have a better vision of who He is. You will not be left seeking and searching for things that will rot and die but you will be drawn into a life of beauty and freedom as you see Him more clearly. As Corrie ten Boom says, “Jesus is Victor!” Trust in His perfect plan while resting in Christ’s forgiveness which gives you eternal hope and security.
