Chronic pain-- the joys and sorrows
Ugh! Pain! I'm sitting here in bed typing, listening to my sweet family downstairs, with a constant throb in the left side of my temple feeling full of despair and self-pity. I've been lying in bed all morning sleeping off and on, waking only to take more medicine or get something to eat. I can't lie here any longer as I have thoughts go through my head and need to get them out. I decided I needed to write them down despite the pain I was feeling.
I absolutely love being a mother and a wife. Just writing it sends butterflies in my belly. I love the hugs and kisses of those dirty little fingers. I love to wake up to the pitter patter of tiny feet ready to join me in bed. I love the questions, thoughts, smiles, cries, and even the night time fears of my little ones. I feel privileged to be called mommy. I love being a wife. Waking up next to my husband knowing I am his and he is mine, makes my heart skip a beat:-) I love to cook my husband’s favorite meal and see the smile he gives me after I've given it to him. I love my husband for the man that God has made him, this honest, hardworking, good provider, and amazing leader kind of man. I love everything about family life-even the not so fun parts like squabbles and messes which comes with having little ones (maybe not all the time... we are all being sanctified).
When you love deeply you also hurt deeply. I hurt deeply because I see what my family is going through while I lay sick for weeks now. I hurt for them to have to watch me in pain and to see them struggle through the day while I lay here not able to function.
I battle both physical and emotional pain. The physical strain on the body of a two week migraine and the emotional pain of guilt- yes I said guilt. What is guilt? Guilt is remorse caused by feeling responsible for an offense committed. It can play a big part in our lives. It can be used for good or for evil. Even though I haven't done anything to cause this physical challenge for us, for some reason I still feel a huge amount of responsibility because of it. I suppose I feel responsible because I see myself in this picture of life a little more than I should and forget of God's sovereign grace through it. I'm sure some the guilt is because I lack trust in our good and sovereign Lord. Nonetheless, God will use it for good and will draw me into a deeper state of reliance on His grace.
I've been struggling with a migraine for three weeks now. Some days I've been able to function while other days I've been flat on my back in pain. Today is a day I'm flat on my back. I would have to say it's not just pain in my head, but I'm also battling the emotional stress chronic pain puts you through. The guilt of not being able to be your child's encourager for the week, the guilt of not being able to tenderly serve your husband and tend to his needs, the guilt of lying in bed doing nothing but ordering the kids around, the guilt of being too tired and in pain to take joy in what your children take joy in, the guilt of cancelling activities that people count on you being at, the guilt of cancelling dinner dates (one of which we just cancelled twice due to sickness), the guilt of knowing your husband works hard at his job only to come home to a place full of stress and no peace. The guilt of having a home full of new pressures because of the limits sickness has on a body. All this are honest thoughts of guilt that enters my mind as I lay here with only me and my God. I have a battle before me. I can give into the guilty thoughts and feelings of despair or I can counteract those thoughts with God's grace and truth. I think I'm going to counteract my thoughts on what our Lord Jesus has for me. No...not all that guilt.
I'm focusing on our sovereign God who knows my pain and my guilt and will actually use it for good because of His Son Jesus. I'm focusing on a Jesus who died for me so I could live a life of joy despite the circumstances that come my way. I'm dwelling on the fact that my God has a much bigger plan for our lives than what I can see through my own tunnel vision. I'm seeing a God who is working this painful time in our lives to change us and conform us into seeing us less and Him better. When it's all over, if it's all over, we will be able to look back and see how God has used this very difficult trial in our lives to actually open our eyes to view Him deeper and better understand who He is for His own glory. Lord grant me the grace to trust in Your sovereign will, my body is yours Lord. Use it as you see fit.
As the Lord places us on your heart, please pray that we will trust in God's plan for our lives and that as he uses these migraines for His eternal purpose, we as a family will be graced with patience, compassion, and love for each other and ultimately for Our Savior pointing others to the God of perfect love and grace through difficult trials in Our Lord Jesus. Pray for my husband and children, that Jesus would draw close to them and they will sense His presence and know His peace above the chaos that is surrounding them. Pray for wisdom as we seek medical advice-for them and us and last that we would find answers to the problem, but if no answers come we would never doubt how good our Lord is. Thank you for your prayers and your friendship. May you be blessed to know, feel, and understand God's never ending love and goodness.
